Damaged

I chose to hide myself because I don't want to appear vulnerable to you. You say that I shouldn't hide my emotions but at this rate, I see it as my way to deal with things and move on because once I do, I feel like it's going to be much worse than what I'm feeling.

But I don't think you really understand the whole situation.
Ever since last semester, I've been scared of karma; that what I did is going to hit me back hard. In my past relationship, I've been so used to be the person who was relatively stronger than my significant other. I was the one who always heard about complaints from him that I didn't spend enough time with him whenever I was busy with school work and extracurriculars. Towards the end, I distanced myself because not only did I know that we were going to be away from each other again, but also because he was being too needy for me so it got extremely annoying.
Because of that, it has ended up to being where we are now.
..and it scares me to think that I'm in his situation now.

I think i'm going to regret typing this up but I figured you should at least know that fact. After all, you don't want me to hide my emotions right?

So sorry.

TCM

I actually don't know why or when my interest in Chinese Medicine really started. To come to think of it, maybe it was when I started noticing the different types of soups and herbal concoctions that my grandmother or my mom used to make.
-This one would reduce hot air
-drink this and you will increase your appetite!
-drink this and you will get taller!

Yeah well, the last one apparently didn't really work out for me that much but it was just interesting to think of these things that weren't mentioned in Western medicine; where it seems to focus on the body as specified compartments and treating the body by only targeting the symptom In Chinese medicine, it compasses the body as whole, the concept of yin and yang and whether the body is in balance/harmony. TCM treats the body by diagnosing the source of the problem.When my dad got sick, he would take these herbs prescribed by a TCM practitioner in addition to the radiation and chemotherapy. These herbs, wrapped in a simple white sheet of paper consisted of the most random-est things; wood, leaves, and even a dead bee. Whether these herbs really worked by killing off the cancerous cells or help reduce the damaging effects of chemotherapy, it seemed like it was helping him significantly. I think it was at that point where I was really curious to see whether other cancerous patients knew of such a thing that could potentially assist them through out the process.
Since the beginning of elementary school, I've always had an interest in anything that was related to China. I remember always going to the library and specifically looking out for videos or books that would talk about Chinese New Year or the Lunar Festival because it encompassed their culture. It really made me proud to be Chinese, or rather an Asian, especially since I was practically one of the few, if not, only Asian girl in a school full of white people. As much as I hated moving to San Francisco back then, I enjoyed being immersed in a culture so rich. Maybe that's why I've become so 'fobby'.
That reminds me of this quiz that tested how 'Asian are you'.
http://www.yellowbridge.com/humor/kindofasian.php
What's interesting enough is that I've met pretty much all types of Asians that were enlisted on the site above, probably from simply growing up in SF and coming here.

And where do I belong to? Although I'd have some qualities enlisted in 'tab' i.e. I like sanrio, weigh less than 105 and LOVE (or at least used to) platform shoes (to make me taller of course XD).
I'd like to classify myself as fobulous. =)

Ever since I came to Berkeley, it sort of bothers me whenever I see or meet an Asian who has no idea of their what their culture is about. I've been so used to growing up around people who knew different kinds of Asian pop stars, sings, dramas, food and it's strange now to meet someone to doesn't know these things.

Okay yeah I'm going off tangent from what I originally wanted to talk about but now that I have to head off to dinner, I shall finish this thought later.

Step your game up.

Activating super-nerd mode...


NOW.

Until Wednesday: Only one Facebook viewing per day.
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Benzoic acid
Benzaldhyde
Acetophenone
>_<;!
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First lecture of the semester that I couldn't understand something.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't fall asleep but I just didn't know what the hell was going on towards the end. Everyone else around didn't get it either..

and for that..i give myself 6 out 7.. =

I hate synthesis with a passion.

Cleansing

As much as I don't like the rain (more vulnerable to become sick, getting totally soaked and preventing you from doing certain tasks such as your laundry..>_>), there is something about it that makes me more at ease within myself. Listening to the rain just makes me feel more inclined to reflect upon myself.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to think of anything at the moment.
Yeah. I'm sorry for the lack of substance through out these past couple of days..

6 out of 8 lectures attended.

6 out of 6 completely paid attention in.

I'm especially impressed with myself with this one because I only had like 5 hours of sleep, prob, 4 if you count the amount of times I was coughing at night T_T .
I didn't even need to chew gum to pay attention!

Back to sleep...If i can really do so.

*self note: Buy more tissues.....and quarters (x_x)*

Love me don't leave me

I've said it multiple times already but...

Thank you so much for the wonderful dinner and the DVD. <3
The restaurant was gorgeous and the food was delicious. Too bad we didn't try to order any wine (harhar) but the free champagne was really nice. It was the first time anyone has ever taken me out to a place that fancy and I felt bad for not dressing up as nice as I should have for the occasion.
I wished there was more pasta though. =| it was really good. yumyumyum.

DVD consisted of everything I wished for. I've always wanted someone to sing that song and I presume that you've noticed since I always have this huge smile whenever I hear it. ^^. At first, I thought the DVD didn't work after I played it once but luckily it did work after my computer restarted. (I would've been pretty sad if it didn't work)

Thank you Bao Bei for the Best Valentines Day ever. <3

How deep is your love? =)

"Jump up let's get krazyyy"

In Sophomore year of high school, I applied to the HS UCSF internship program.
Turned in an extensive app with multiple letter of reqs, got an interview and didn't get in.
Last semester I turned in my HSI application, take took me practically the whole night before to finish it.
Got an interview, got PLACED as an alternate and had high hopes on getting in but in the end, got rejected at the info meeting because there weren't enough preceptors.
That that point, I felt like a failure -_-.

So who can blame a girl when she expected a rejection letter from another UCSF program this time?

What practically happened was this..
Jen's mind thought: "......Ishould work on my response paper"
*types a couple of sentences*
*checks gmail*
*checks caldb mail*
*checks calmail*
*notices an email response from UCSF*
Jen's mind thought: ...eh..I guess i got rejected...
*Opens email*
Email: Congratulations Jennifer, You were selected as an Apprentice for the UCSF Spine Center. Please email me back by today if you are still interested.
*The world stops*
*Jen's eyes gets bigger*
Jen: WHOA.

(Lora Lim in another room: What happened? )


Am I day dreaming? Is this for real? WTF!?

Sorry. I'm being incoherent. I'm just too shocked and surprised. o_o.


I GOT IN!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Self-Memo

4 out of 6 lectures attended =. Stupid sickness
4 out of 4 attended that i've completely paid attention in.

YAY! =)
*cookie for me*
Keep it upppp

Must Finish problem sets by this week.

Note:
I miss my macbook =( I really hope the HD did not die out...

Asides from the 25 things

1) Unlike high school, I sometimes feel bad whenever I skip class; like i should be taking advantage of my free education. I haven't gone to my ochem lecture for a week now and I feel so guilty. =( I also didn't go to my Soc class on Tuesday. Looking back, I wish i went because it seemed like it would've been a good lecture to go to. My soc class is everything I wanted to look for in learning about China.
2) I've been sick since monday. I felt like shit on tuesday then felt better on wednesday. It got a LOT worse on thursday and now I feel a lot better.
3) I looked like shit last night and this morning. I hate it when your eyes are extremely puffy from crying so much especially in the morning after. It causes so much attraction to other people. I tried putting an ice cube on my eyes to make it not as puffy but it didn't work as much
4) I don't think I did too well on my Chinese test. =(. I was seriously thinking of actually dropping that class for a moment.
5) I was supposed to study and read for ochem but I didn't today. God. This is getting bad.
6) I love my Cal DB team. I see so much potential to do well. It's always so fun hanging out with them.
7) I have never been so physically damaged through out the year. One moment, shoulder and back starts acting up, I get UTIs multiple times, then I feel like something was going on with my hip and more. I swear I am not a hypochondriac.
8) I can get pretty emo. ._. I guess my previous relationship rubbed off. hah. Admit it.
9) I swear
10) Just because I'm "being a girl" doesn't immediately mean I'm on my period.
11) Girls are hopeless romantics but many refuse to acknowledge it. They dream of something happening to them and then when it doesn't, they get sad. Sometimes they lash out and be moody. Most of the time, I try to hold it in because there's no point since no official relationship was going on. Now that there is, I had to do something about it.
Its hard to explain.
12) Because of that, I can act cold and indifferent to hide my real emotion.
12) Yeah. I am a bitch. -_-
13) I am somewhat dreading Feb 13 because that was when my pet cat past away. Yeah you may think that it was 'just a pet' but he was so much more to me than you'll ever know.
14) I can be pretty needy at times and I can't help it.
15) After 9 years, my grandparents are kicking my parents and sister out of the house. I have no idea what to do about it. It makes me sad to think about what to do.
16) I feel really bad for not calling my parents and sister as much as I should.
17) My grandfather is a fucking asskissing jerk. I have my reasons.
18) I am so frustrated in why my parents have to do this or why they even chose to move to San Francisco if they knew of their money situation.
19) I wish school could be so chill
20) I should go to sleep now.

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" -Lily Tomlin

Back in New York, I remember coming across this book/journal in Anthropologie that really struck out to me. It was this journal that listed a bunch of questions, where you can fill it out and in the process, "Find your inner self". I wasn't really willing to fork over $25 for that book but it really made me wish that there were those kinds of questions online so I can do it here.

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?_dyncharset=ISO-8859-1&_dynSessConf=-5804081392647645435&id=873526&parentid=GIFT_BOOKS_JOURNALS&pushId=GIFT_BOOKS_JOURNALS&popId=GIFT_BOOKS&sortProperties=&navCount=19&navAction=poppush&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=tur&colorName=TURQUOISE

On another note, I've realized that my perspective on love constantly changes. Back in middle school I had this "what is love?" phase going on with a select few of my friends. I still agree upon some things, (such as, the fact that it shouldn't be said so loosely. Ugh. Bad experiences) but over the course of time, I feel as if it slightly can get tweaked.

Uh. did that make sense? Bah.
Excuse me for being sick. =( I didn't go to ochem lecture today and I feel bad -_-. I didn't go to my soc class either. Shame on me.

..and now I just totally wasted two hours instead of just studying.