Holidays

So I don't know if it's just this year or something but I've noticed that as the years go by, the holidays just seem to be more of an ordinary day. I find it REALLY strange that today is Christmas Eve because I swear it doesn't feel like it. While I went out shopping with Flo, it seriously felt like nothing was really going on except by being surrounded with tons of christmas decorations. I still remember a time back when I was like 6 or 7 and I was SOO anxious to open up my presents on Christmas day. It was so bad that I convinced my mom that I could open one up on Christmas Eve.

Perhaps it's the fact that there's no Christmas tree in the living room this year (so sad.).
or perhaps that I haven't really had the moment to really think about presents for everyone. =/
I don't know.

I am so poor T__T;;
Must stop spending moneyyy.

I apologize for the short blog but thats all I can think of...
Except this:
BaoBei: I really hope you have a safe trip to Taiwan. I'm sorry I was upset a couple of days ago when we were talking about this at night. You know how I can get sometimes. It was the fact that I had to experience someone going away again that got me really anxious. But no worries =)
Regardless, have fun but don't do anything I wouldn't do. =P Perhaps I have more stuff to talk about when you come back! Come back safe so you can get my present, which I'm sure you'll like. Remember, 143 422!

Edit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=104cdcySpEs

For your viewing pleasure. =)

um.

So apparently, SOMEONE told me to update this blog. *cough*
and I will!

For you.

My earliest memory of you was when I was at Auntie's Roseanne's house with my parents for some dinner. I believe I was about 4 or 5; still pretty young. It was around that time when I knew I was adorable and I could get anything I wanted because according to my aunt, I was her princess. When I first met you, I couldn't help but think about how amazing you were. Always witty and doing all sorts of magic tricks for me. You had this smile that was SO genuine that I just had to be in your presence. Hearing the words "georgi ai-goong" made me smile and anticipate about how much fun we would have together. I remember visiting San Francisco for the first time when I was 8 and how Auntie and I would joke around about you being sent to Alcatraz because you took someone else's newspaper. You would just go in for the act and be totally scared about it just to make me laugh.
When I actually moved here a year later, things became different. It was a point where I was no longer a little girl and had to slowly grow up and do homework. Whenever you visited, you would remind me to finish my homework first before going off to hang out with you. It was that point of time when I started to become more secluded with all the BullShit my grandfather and parents were pulling and you were the first one to confronted me about it. At that time, I wanted to justify myself by saying that I was sick and tired of what went on but I kept my mouth shut. (Looking back at it, I'm glad I did. )

It's kind of unfortunate that my last memory of you was only a couple of years ago when you spent Chinese New Years with us and I told you of my plans for college and the amount of scholarships I applied for. I didn't really have enough time at that moment to hang out with you because I was so busy but I knew that on the day before you left, you put a letter on Grandpa's table stating your final goodbyes (because HE had huge arguement with you) and I got this chill thinking that it really was going to be the last time I would see you.

..And it was.

So I got a phone call from my little sister at 8 in the morning about this and I was speechless.
It was merely 4 words that left me extremely confused. Of all people, I didn't expect you to go away. At least not now. As funny as it may be, I had always imagined you to be immune to death or something because you had SUCH a strong presence.
While I didn't know you in your younger days, my auntie would always tell me about how amazing you were. Heck. My parents would say so as well.
I always looked forward to your visits and your presence and now..I can't seem to do so anymore.

For the rest of the day, I felt guilty because it felt like I didn't mourn over you as much as I should have. I will admit that part of the time it was hard trying to act like nothing happened. But looking back on it, you made my childhood extremely fun so I suppose that being happy and smiling for most of the time would have been a good way to commemorate you because I'm sure that's what you would have wanted it.

Rest in Peace and Happy Birthday 'Georgey Ai Goong'. <3

Meh

I feel like I've been in such a contraditory status (no better word to say that-_-) in a sense that I say that I plan on updating this blog every so often when I really don't. So um here goes.

School: Oh god. When I think about it, I don't even know why I'm even on this thing when I should be watching my nutri sci webcasts. I've been facebooking and internet surfing for the past 2 hours and I must admit that it's quite sad. However, I guess I could excuse myself from doing any epic studying because I had my Organic Chemistry final yesterday. Ugh. It really depresses me whenever I think about it. Why the FUCK does 40% of the whole class get a C?!
arg. Normally, I wouldn't really care THAT much over a C but the fact that Organic Chemistry is a pretty damn big deal for med school really gets me. In the moments before my final, I felt like such a failure because I couldn't grasp specific synthesis mechanisms. *sigh*. It's times like these when I really wonder if Berkeley is right for me. It's like, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to excel in my exams. (yeah yeahyeah. ''Just like everyone else")
In addition, asides from Chem3B, I am waitlisted in all my classes. What makes it worse is that I still have no idea whether or not I am accepted into this internship position, such takes up 3 units. I hate being in a position where I have no idea what is going on.

APO: I love my Hcomm. It was really sweet of them to make such a gift. Despite all the stress that was added onto this semester, I'm really going to miss being a historian trainer. Looking back, It was possibly the most I could ever possibly contribute to the chapter and I wish I could do it again.

Relationships: Like i said before in my previous postings, I'm a little hesitant to give my whole experience on here because of my fear that someone out there will judge me for the things that I have done. But then again, It makes me realize that there's no point in hiding it in anyways.

This semester has been a bumpy patch with TONS of ups and downs. When I really think about it, I'm glad I've got to know you a whole lot better because I don't know what I would've done with I didn't. Sometimes things do happen for a reason. I guess it was nice to have someone who was directly there for me on campus instead of being 300 miles away. I've had many breakdowns this semester that I don't know if they could've been solved by just a simple phone conversation and I needed that direct comfort and someone to actually talk to. I'm not a person who really opens up to anyone until I have their complete trust. When I actually DO have a problem, I tend to bottle it up because I don't see the need to let other people know of my concerns and worry them. It's really hard to bring up such topics to people unless I REALLY need to express it and I thank you for being my support when I needed it the most.

Which now brings me to another subject. Every now and then, I'm always torn by a feeling of happiness and betrayal. Sometimes, I want to competely emerse myself in the feeling i share with this person and yet there are times when I look back and realize how terrible this other person must be feeling and feel extremely guilty. But when I come to that point, it makes me realize that our relationship was way too demanding on my part. At the beginning, I thought it was cute but then it eventually became overbearing and so I needed my space and figured that person should learn how to become stronger from this experience.

I know this is very vauge. But to those people who know what i'm talking about, I hope you understand.

"I'm Glad you're my trainer"

ochemfinal.nutriscimidterm.publichealthresponse.publichealthmidterm.
pledgetest.study.pledgejudgementnight.dragonboatballots.dragonboatmeeting.
study.taaphours.chiropractor.hcomm.premed.sleep.
There are days like now where I want to kill myself for all the things that I choose to do. Practically everyday consists of running all over the place to do something that's needed. Instead of studying, I choose to spend time working on other things or rather I put off studying until I manage to find time (which i don't). Because of this, I ask myself, "is this REALLY worth it?" "why should I be so involved in these things?" "Why can't i just NOT care?"

and then comes those moments when you hear..
"I want to be like you."
"I'm glad you're my trainer"

that makes you realize that YES. It is worth it.

Balancing between schoolwork, the constant threat to do well as a premed,db, relationships and aphio is like balancing on the tip of a sharp knife. One little extra step towards the left can send me crashing down to my demise. Balance is what tries to keep me from sliding down and yet there's that constant pressure to do so. I just hope I can last through until it's the end of finals.

On another note, I'm beginning to find that I take PURE joy (and I mean ESTATIC joy) in being able to completely pay attention in Organic Chemistry lecture for one and a half hours straight at 8 in the morning.
Same goes for knowing what to do on the NMR worksheet in lab.

...I can't believe I just said that.
How sad.


I should get to work now. ><.

I fail in life.

Fucking Organic Chemistry...

So sorry.

I don't know how long it till take for you until you will read this. Please keep in mind that whatever I say is not intended to make you feel worse. In fact, that's not what I want at all. Please don't ever think that you weren't good enough because you were. We had our share of good times and bad times. It had came to a point where just being with each other was just not as good as before. There were days where I was just fed up with the things you do, or rather the way I acted towards you. And yet, I was scared of hurting you. I didn't to practically just leave you out of no where because you were my best friend. I was practically your support system when no one else was there and I still am...

..It'll just be different now.

I'm sorry about everything that has happened within these past months. I feel like a bitch for doing this to you but I realize it would've done both of us more harm if it went any longer. I was so hesitant to tell this to anyone else because I felt I was going to get judged for it.
It started way before the end of summer. It was practically during Spring semester but I never realized the seriousness of it. Looking back, I should've told you about this way in the beginning, but then again..I only thought of it as a minor thing.

When you told me not to leave last night I really didn't want to because I knew how much it hurt you. But I had to do it before anything got worse..and I'm sorry about that.

Hah. I can't believe three years have already passed. It seemed just like yesterday when it was Autumn Ball and we were competiting against each other to see who was better in Kirby's Avalanche in the ASB room. Time sure flies. Truth to be told, I had a pretty shitty day on our supposed anniversary date. I woke up extremely late to class that was like 15643132148 miles away from the apartment and I had to run my butt to turn in my project. I felt extremely gross from the 3 hours of sleep and the fact that my body was covered in sweat and 'that time of the month' came in the worst possible way. I got back my paper from Asian Studies that wasn't that great and I was reminded once again of how I never have the time to do any studying. The worst of it was that I had no one to tell about it. It would've been extremely awkward to tell it to those that were extremely close to me in the area. I felt like I just had to carry on through the day and try to forget about it.

Once again..I don't want you to feel worse because of this. I just need you to understand.
I don't want you to be any more pessimistic that you already are. It hurts me to see you act that way.
It will take some time. But for now, please forgive me..

Priorities.

Let me start off by saying that there's just so much to catch up about my life that thinking back to it has will get overwhelming.

In my moment of my contemplative state, I realized how long it has been since I left off with a post on my livejournal. Asides from those who are in absolute direct proximity to me, I have not updated anyone about my life, out of fear that someone out there may judge me or be-little me of some things that I have done within these past couple of weeks. Through out the massive amounts of school work, aphio and dragonboat, I've been trying to survive day by day with little amounts of sleep and constant worries about whether I can obtain at LEAST close that 4.0gpa I had in high school. After going back home for less than 24 hours in one month, heading back to school for an eventful day consisting of 11 hours of community service and then forcing myself to wake up the next morning to dragonboat practice when I know that there's definitely something wrong with my shoulder and back but still go because I don't want to let down the team, I realized how fed up I am with pushing myself to do these kinds of things. (Wow. What a long sentence.)

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy doing the things I do. I'm estatic to see how our DB team will do at college race and I love my committee members, especially after they finished the awesome pledge class banner but it's come to point where I need to REALLY start prioritizing things and REALLY force myself to not put 100% in whatever I do. While I was at home, spending some time with my little sister, I realized how much I've neglected my family. It really sucks whenever I tell my sister or grandma that I can't go home for the weekend because I have practice, a ton of school work or a service project. I felt so productive at home with regards to studying that made me complain even more about priorities (hence the start of a new blog).
From last night to now, I've been in this mood where I feel like kicking myself over my lack of focus on school work. You have no idea how much I would KILL to have a day where I can feel productive in studying for Ochem;without any distractions or obligations to go to specific events. The fact that my shoulder can be potentially busted doesn't help either, especially as college race inches near.
So last night, I was practically bitching to him about this and part of me felt so bad but I couldn't help it. I tried improving my mood around people but it was just one of those times where things just didn't work out and it just frustrated me even more.

All I ask is just one day where I don't have to do ANYTHING related to my extracurricular activities and just focus on my school work and sleep.

Lately, I've been trying to ease off the load slowly by choosing not to go to specific events. It makes me feel really bad but then I realize that my priorities are set now.
1) Family
2) School
3) Dragonboat
4) APO.
5) Everything else.

---To be continued..