Renewal

Today I was able to watch a surgeon perform a laminectomy on a patient in person.
I had to wake up super early to catch the muni/bart and freaked out for a little bit on the bart because I forgot to bring change for the muni so I had to get off at the Powell stop to go to a Bank of America ATM machine to get a $20 which I had to then go to a starbucks to buy something to get some change out of that bill. Anyways, I showed up a couple of minutes earlier than my supervisor so I was just hanging around and then when she finally came, I went across the street with her to the surgical floor in the General hospital building at UCSF. As the surgeons made an incision on the patient's back and made their way into the spine, I couldn't help but contain myself with wonder and excitment. A part of me inside gasped out of fascination and horror when the surgeon removed a couple of the lumbar pieces (SPINAL BONE!!!) of the patient. Anyways, I was filled with adrenaline through out and after the surgery and the midst of it, I realized that I have found something new that inspires me to pursue after medicine in the midst of the grades/competition/classes that I constantly face everyday here at Berkeley. As I looked at myself in the mirror with my scrubs on, I told myself that I would come back here again and wear those scrubs in the future and I am confident that I will.

I have never felt so inspired until now. For the past couple of days, or even semesters, I've been so insecure about whether I really wanted to pursue medicine because of my grades and the fact that there are classes in Berkeley that are really out to get you and screw you over (*cough* Chem3 series + Bio1A). I was also extremely insecure because I felt like I was making a goal that wasn't really realistic. Almost everyone around me who is a premed here at Berkeley had a specific speciality that they want to go into while I didn't. I originally wanted to go for Oncology but I realized how depressing it can be (and i'd be diving into a lot of personal issues there.). I considered pediatrics but I don't know if I would really want to deal with parents who are extremely concerned with their child (well, i mean that makes sense but after working at the fitting room with moms at forever 21 made me realize how unreasonably protective parents can be) and I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the morning to make house calls. I knew straight off from the bat that Medical School would be extremely expensive and hard to get into (and get through) Out of all of these factors, I was mostly concerned with the issue between dealing with my personal and work life. I always hear stories of doctors who struggle between their family and work. I remember how I was so amazed at this married couple of doctors who dated through medical school and residency and managed to effectively raise a family through out. (yeah. I know i'm getting way out of my head with this but you gotta weigh in the factors MAYNE!)

Anyways... I guess what I want to say is that I WILL try harder and not get discouraged by anything that may put me down personally or academically because I want to genuinely walk around the hospital floors as a physician now that I managed to get a first hand experience at it.

...Time to start studying for MCB102. YEE. (._.)