LALA

No Money, No Honey.

Ah Yes. Teh Recession.We sure have heard of that for quite some time with the nation (not to mention California) in serious debt of over millions of dollars. To be honest, it didn't really bother me until recently, especially when I realized that the Governor might eliminate Cal Grants as a whole. While I am fortunate to have a substantial amount of scholarship money to help me through my years in College, those grants are still important. It really makes me sad to think of how education is constantly short-handed because of budget cuts. While our high school was pretty forunate to obtain money for being a 'technology' school with multiple macs and pcs, we still faced budget issues when it came to dealing with SFUSD (*ugh*). There was a moment when teachers were seriously considering going on strike for their income and one of my favorite teachers (who really made me appreciate the Chinese language and culture now) actually left the district because it didn't provide money for herself and family.
Anyways, as I was browsing the internet at home (in SF), I came across an article that described how many teachers in NYC who have been suspended from the school district are still being paid by the school district for essentially doing nothing.

"Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offenses ranging from insubordination to sexual misconduct are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing Scrabble, surfing the Internet or just staring at the wall, if that's what they want to do." http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090622/ap_on_re_us/us_rubber_rooms

The first response in my head at that time was, "WHATTTHEF-."

Because the teachers collect their full salaries of $70,000 or more, the city Department of Education estimates the practice costs the taxpayers $65 million a year. The department blames union rules.


Does this even make sense? Here you have teachers who are getting paid thousands of dollars for doing NOTHING in one side of the country when you see amazing teachers get laid off just because of budget cuts or students from disadvantaged backgrounds chosing NOT to go to college just because they aren't offered additional financial assistance. Granted, this situation is in NYC and not in SF but I still feel there is an injustice in this.
When it comes to money for higher education, especially for socio-economical disadvantaged students, I am a firm supporter. I believe students who have parents who can easily pay through their college tuition are BLESSED. and if there's one thing that really frustrates me, it's to see parents who wastes thousands of dollars on their kid who didn't make use of education at a university or school. To hear of the Cal Grants potentially be reduced or even eliminated really makes me sad. Even if it's only a couple hundred or thousand of dollars, I know friends who really benefit from that amount. Granted, I believe there are a little things that the California Government could fix with the Gal grants (finding a better way to really determine eligibility instead of having a black and white cut off line) or lowering college tuition as a whole (oh man, Don't we all wish that were true..) but I really don't like the idea of making it harder for students to find ways to fund their education as it is hard already.

While I was sitting in the bart going back home, I realized how much money I have been spending for the past couple of days. It also doesn't really help to see that I have to pay $1,000 out of my own pocket for my biochem class (I swear, I BETTER do well for that class.) instead of having financial aid cover for it (Stupid 6 unit cap. I really didn't want to take two classes + commute back to SF again like last year) and that I've been carelessly spending money on random shit, not to mention oweing people. SIGH. It also doesn't help to see that unless I get a job sometime soon, I won't be able to get money until my financial aid comes out, which won't be til..Late August.

Man maybe I really do need to start working on the streets. hah.

Renewal

Today I was able to watch a surgeon perform a laminectomy on a patient in person.
I had to wake up super early to catch the muni/bart and freaked out for a little bit on the bart because I forgot to bring change for the muni so I had to get off at the Powell stop to go to a Bank of America ATM machine to get a $20 which I had to then go to a starbucks to buy something to get some change out of that bill. Anyways, I showed up a couple of minutes earlier than my supervisor so I was just hanging around and then when she finally came, I went across the street with her to the surgical floor in the General hospital building at UCSF. As the surgeons made an incision on the patient's back and made their way into the spine, I couldn't help but contain myself with wonder and excitment. A part of me inside gasped out of fascination and horror when the surgeon removed a couple of the lumbar pieces (SPINAL BONE!!!) of the patient. Anyways, I was filled with adrenaline through out and after the surgery and the midst of it, I realized that I have found something new that inspires me to pursue after medicine in the midst of the grades/competition/classes that I constantly face everyday here at Berkeley. As I looked at myself in the mirror with my scrubs on, I told myself that I would come back here again and wear those scrubs in the future and I am confident that I will.

I have never felt so inspired until now. For the past couple of days, or even semesters, I've been so insecure about whether I really wanted to pursue medicine because of my grades and the fact that there are classes in Berkeley that are really out to get you and screw you over (*cough* Chem3 series + Bio1A). I was also extremely insecure because I felt like I was making a goal that wasn't really realistic. Almost everyone around me who is a premed here at Berkeley had a specific speciality that they want to go into while I didn't. I originally wanted to go for Oncology but I realized how depressing it can be (and i'd be diving into a lot of personal issues there.). I considered pediatrics but I don't know if I would really want to deal with parents who are extremely concerned with their child (well, i mean that makes sense but after working at the fitting room with moms at forever 21 made me realize how unreasonably protective parents can be) and I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the morning to make house calls. I knew straight off from the bat that Medical School would be extremely expensive and hard to get into (and get through) Out of all of these factors, I was mostly concerned with the issue between dealing with my personal and work life. I always hear stories of doctors who struggle between their family and work. I remember how I was so amazed at this married couple of doctors who dated through medical school and residency and managed to effectively raise a family through out. (yeah. I know i'm getting way out of my head with this but you gotta weigh in the factors MAYNE!)

Anyways... I guess what I want to say is that I WILL try harder and not get discouraged by anything that may put me down personally or academically because I want to genuinely walk around the hospital floors as a physician now that I managed to get a first hand experience at it.

...Time to start studying for MCB102. YEE. (._.)

"To all, I would say how mistaken they are when they think they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love"

Nicely said.

grr for finals =(

How Bitter Sweet

Today's last ochem lecture had such a bitter sweet ending. =)

I'm certainly going to miss the classes that I have taken this semester ,especially my soc class on Modern Contemp. China.

...which I should be studying for right now because I have a final on that and another class in the next couple of hours.

AHH!

Voted: "Most Likely to Succeed"...hah my butt.

Don't you hate the feeling when you hear people claiming that they have so many high expecations of you to succeed and you stand there and smiling, thinking in the back of your head that you're not sure if you can fulfill them at all?
Story of my life.


During Spring break, I went out to have dim sum with my friend and his family at 'Tong Buffet Palace' on Clement (where new Chinatown is) and for a majority of the time, his parents were just gushing to everyone else about how 'brilliant/charming/amazing' I was and how I will definitely enter Medical school because I received a full ride scholarship to Berkeley and I am majoring/minoring in such interesting topics.
While smiling and nodding to them all, I couldn't help feeling so dismayed at my performance here at Cal with regards to grades and academics as a whole.
Since I've came here, everyone has been asking on my status on my grades, whether or not I'm doing okay, getting enough sleep, blahblahblahblah. The only thing I can really respond to them is 'yeah, I'm doing alright. eh." But in reality, I truly wish I could be doing so much better..I wish I could be excelling in Organic chemistry or that I could obtain better time management skills and stop getting distracted by other people/things.

It's just that there are SOO many smart people here at Cal that I feel like I don't even know how I can possibly compete against them. Even hearing about these people who don't even need to put in the effort to study and yet manage to get a perfect score just makes me feel so stupid and dumb. and I ABSOLUTELY hate it when people complain about their fucking A- grades and think that it's the end of their world. (...bitches..)

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all these expectations because it motivates me to do well but it just makes me worry to consider the thought of doing only mediocre in all my classes and not 'standing out' for those medical school applications. I truly fear the idea of letting people down in my academic studies, especially my Aunt.

The reason why I bring this up is that I've been trying to debate between taking physics 8a or MCB 102 during the summer. MCB 102 will no doubt be harder because it is about biochemistry but I've heard that it's easier to accomplish during the summer. On the downside, it requires a preq of organic chemistry (done) and Bio1A (first semester of AP bio on steroids. Btw. It's so depressing to hear of that class ruining people's lives/majors......*sigh*) . I have not taken bio1A but Linan (friend who graduated last year) said he did the same and manage to obtain an A+.

You see, after hearing him talk about it and how it's easy, you would assume that it would make me at ease but it's not.

You're talking about this guy who I've been looking up to since I've came here to Berkeley and has obtained >3.9 GPA. If he claims it's easy, I don't know if it really is.

He tries to assure me that I shouldn't worry but uh.. how can I not? Especially after my recent results with my Ochem midterm (and the one that's coming up next week. AHHHH SO SCREWED.).

*sigh* ....I feel so dumb.

Augh

"I think i need an explanation because you're messing up my perception.
Was it all just an illusion? Think you need to wake me up.
Hallucination. I can't see past the lines.
Hallucinations. Is what I'm witnessing tonight"
-Myah Marie

Why is it that I keep having these conflicting emotions? It's like one moment, I feel like the world is wonderful and the next moment, I just want to get away from it all.
and no. I am not bi-polar. >_>;

Boo for the end of spring break but yay for the return of internet.

Edit: I know I haven't updated myself with the status of my ochem goal.
Number of lectures paid completely attention in: 10
Number of lectures I zoned out within the last 30 min: 2
Number of lectures didn't show up: 3 >_>;;
Lectures total so far: 15
Lectures remaining: 12 (?)

JIA YOU!