everything is falling apart and it feels like I'm trying to hold on to the remaining pieces

Angel on my shoulder but a devil in my head..

I can't stop listening to this song! ahhh.
><

Rain rain...

It's been a while since it has rained this hard. =|. It really makes me not want to go to class at all for the whole day and just stay put.

Seeing that I haven't written here in a while, you'd figure that I'd have something to really post here about but to be honest, it's really hard to update when you don't have anything to rant about. haha. Things have been quite busy, though I don't really know why thats the case seeing that I'm taking a break from APO this semester. I must say though, taking a break from APO feels like my circle of friends has been limited now that I no longer go to PRs or CMs or that kind of sort and sometimes, I kind of miss it despite all everything feels so repetitive now. Anyways, I guess I could just list off anything new that's happened so far

1) Pretty and Fatty make me happy. =) Whenever I see them ,my moods suddenly get lifted up and I feel a whole lot more at ease. For those who may not know who pretty and fatty is,, they are these two kittens that were found downstairs Eric's apartment that probably were abandoned. We started to take care of them by giving them canned food and eventually brought them up. When we first met them, one of the cats was extremely social and the other was very shy. We decided to name the social cat, "fatty" because she gobbled up all the food we gave her in the beginning. We named the other cat pretty because her long grey+brown and white coat and blue green eyes just made her look so pretty. Originally, I thought fatty was a boy because she seemed to be extremely adventurous and protective of her sister but it turned out that both of them are girls. We've been trying to find people who would be interested in owning the kittens but so far, nobody has really committed to it. While they can't really stay here for any much longer, I really hope there was some way that they could. =| I will post up pictures of the cats in the near future.

2) I can't say how proud I am to see how CalDB is becoming where it is now. Enough said. However, it seems like everyone has been getting sick (including me) so I hope we start to get better before race day. =|

3) Taking Bio+LAB, anatomy and physics together sucks. In fact, last week sucked with having 2 midterms and a lab quiz (that practically feels like a midterm) while being sick and covered with random flea bites. Now that that round of midterms are over, I feel so much more at ease. .(...and as of now, I have decided not to go to physics just because it's raining SUPER HARD...chances are, I probably wouldn't have paid attention anyways..)

4) Lately, I've been trying to looking some study abroad programs, particularly in Asia that deals with either learning Chinese or TCM. Things haven't been going so well just because applications haven't been sent out. However, there is this one program that I'm interested in where it consists of doing HIV research in China and working with a MCB faculty during the spring to prepare for it. However, I honestly don't know if I could get it just because I feel like my grades aren't good enough and I've been hesitant to ask people for letters of rec now.

5) I have an awesome boyfriend and I'm very glad I get the chance to spend time with him through the ups and downs of our relationship =) (....and let me practically live here.... -_-.... )

New year, New decade, New start

As the end of summer approaches, I am somewhat haunted by the idea of becoming a junior in college as well as becoming twenty years old. o_o.

When you're a kid, you hardly even think of the idea of becoming older. You assume that everything is going to be the same, where you'll always have the same group of friends, the same set of goals. The only concerns that would probably come to your head would be whether you can beat that gym leader with that certain level with your Pokemon or when recess will come. Whenever I see my sister, I'm often reminded of how simple minded she can be. She act like it's still okay to talk incorherently or jump around all over the house and as much as I yell at her to calm down, I realized there was a point where I was like that as well.

Sheesh. I feel like an old person reminscing these things.

Anyways, with a new school year ahead, it's time to buckle down and start getting serious! o_o

New school year resolutions

1) Resume that regime of going to the library every school day to study.

2) ATTEND CLASS!

3) Research med schools

4)Look up Summer abroad

5) Raise that GPA. x_x

6) Prep for MCATS

7)Don't stress out. too much.

8) Paddle and exercise hard for CalDB <3

9) Stop bitching around and get shit done.

10) Smile and try to have fun. =)

LALA

No Money, No Honey.

Ah Yes. Teh Recession.We sure have heard of that for quite some time with the nation (not to mention California) in serious debt of over millions of dollars. To be honest, it didn't really bother me until recently, especially when I realized that the Governor might eliminate Cal Grants as a whole. While I am fortunate to have a substantial amount of scholarship money to help me through my years in College, those grants are still important. It really makes me sad to think of how education is constantly short-handed because of budget cuts. While our high school was pretty forunate to obtain money for being a 'technology' school with multiple macs and pcs, we still faced budget issues when it came to dealing with SFUSD (*ugh*). There was a moment when teachers were seriously considering going on strike for their income and one of my favorite teachers (who really made me appreciate the Chinese language and culture now) actually left the district because it didn't provide money for herself and family.
Anyways, as I was browsing the internet at home (in SF), I came across an article that described how many teachers in NYC who have been suspended from the school district are still being paid by the school district for essentially doing nothing.

"Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offenses ranging from insubordination to sexual misconduct are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing Scrabble, surfing the Internet or just staring at the wall, if that's what they want to do." http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090622/ap_on_re_us/us_rubber_rooms

The first response in my head at that time was, "WHATTTHEF-."

Because the teachers collect their full salaries of $70,000 or more, the city Department of Education estimates the practice costs the taxpayers $65 million a year. The department blames union rules.


Does this even make sense? Here you have teachers who are getting paid thousands of dollars for doing NOTHING in one side of the country when you see amazing teachers get laid off just because of budget cuts or students from disadvantaged backgrounds chosing NOT to go to college just because they aren't offered additional financial assistance. Granted, this situation is in NYC and not in SF but I still feel there is an injustice in this.
When it comes to money for higher education, especially for socio-economical disadvantaged students, I am a firm supporter. I believe students who have parents who can easily pay through their college tuition are BLESSED. and if there's one thing that really frustrates me, it's to see parents who wastes thousands of dollars on their kid who didn't make use of education at a university or school. To hear of the Cal Grants potentially be reduced or even eliminated really makes me sad. Even if it's only a couple hundred or thousand of dollars, I know friends who really benefit from that amount. Granted, I believe there are a little things that the California Government could fix with the Gal grants (finding a better way to really determine eligibility instead of having a black and white cut off line) or lowering college tuition as a whole (oh man, Don't we all wish that were true..) but I really don't like the idea of making it harder for students to find ways to fund their education as it is hard already.

While I was sitting in the bart going back home, I realized how much money I have been spending for the past couple of days. It also doesn't really help to see that I have to pay $1,000 out of my own pocket for my biochem class (I swear, I BETTER do well for that class.) instead of having financial aid cover for it (Stupid 6 unit cap. I really didn't want to take two classes + commute back to SF again like last year) and that I've been carelessly spending money on random shit, not to mention oweing people. SIGH. It also doesn't help to see that unless I get a job sometime soon, I won't be able to get money until my financial aid comes out, which won't be til..Late August.

Man maybe I really do need to start working on the streets. hah.

Renewal

Today I was able to watch a surgeon perform a laminectomy on a patient in person.
I had to wake up super early to catch the muni/bart and freaked out for a little bit on the bart because I forgot to bring change for the muni so I had to get off at the Powell stop to go to a Bank of America ATM machine to get a $20 which I had to then go to a starbucks to buy something to get some change out of that bill. Anyways, I showed up a couple of minutes earlier than my supervisor so I was just hanging around and then when she finally came, I went across the street with her to the surgical floor in the General hospital building at UCSF. As the surgeons made an incision on the patient's back and made their way into the spine, I couldn't help but contain myself with wonder and excitment. A part of me inside gasped out of fascination and horror when the surgeon removed a couple of the lumbar pieces (SPINAL BONE!!!) of the patient. Anyways, I was filled with adrenaline through out and after the surgery and the midst of it, I realized that I have found something new that inspires me to pursue after medicine in the midst of the grades/competition/classes that I constantly face everyday here at Berkeley. As I looked at myself in the mirror with my scrubs on, I told myself that I would come back here again and wear those scrubs in the future and I am confident that I will.

I have never felt so inspired until now. For the past couple of days, or even semesters, I've been so insecure about whether I really wanted to pursue medicine because of my grades and the fact that there are classes in Berkeley that are really out to get you and screw you over (*cough* Chem3 series + Bio1A). I was also extremely insecure because I felt like I was making a goal that wasn't really realistic. Almost everyone around me who is a premed here at Berkeley had a specific speciality that they want to go into while I didn't. I originally wanted to go for Oncology but I realized how depressing it can be (and i'd be diving into a lot of personal issues there.). I considered pediatrics but I don't know if I would really want to deal with parents who are extremely concerned with their child (well, i mean that makes sense but after working at the fitting room with moms at forever 21 made me realize how unreasonably protective parents can be) and I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the morning to make house calls. I knew straight off from the bat that Medical School would be extremely expensive and hard to get into (and get through) Out of all of these factors, I was mostly concerned with the issue between dealing with my personal and work life. I always hear stories of doctors who struggle between their family and work. I remember how I was so amazed at this married couple of doctors who dated through medical school and residency and managed to effectively raise a family through out. (yeah. I know i'm getting way out of my head with this but you gotta weigh in the factors MAYNE!)

Anyways... I guess what I want to say is that I WILL try harder and not get discouraged by anything that may put me down personally or academically because I want to genuinely walk around the hospital floors as a physician now that I managed to get a first hand experience at it.

...Time to start studying for MCB102. YEE. (._.)